We were headed to a bar, well maybe it was a nightclub. She stood beside me stunning as she was. She reached for my hand as she oozed beauty from head to toe. Truthfully, I felt dim next to her light. The way a gentleman should I suppose, but this wasn’t on purpose as I had long lost my light a long time ago.

We stood waiting in the lobby waiting for the elevator to take us to the upper room so to speak. The lobby started to fill with lively and loud “fun-goers”. I started to shrink. I became uber alert. “What was taking this fucking elevator so fucking long!” The lobby was now packed. Laughter, singing, dancing, whispers… I thirsted for a drink to calm my nerves, as I turned to her she smiled with the softness she was blessed with, I smiled back and felt her warmth but only for a second. I was overcome with anxious thoughts swirling and… “DING” finally the elevator was fucking here.

As the elevator doors started to close a man staggered into the cab laughing to himself. He was short around 5’5”, sloppy, and slightly overweight (his shirt a size too small for him at least and stretched around his round belly). With the elevator doors closed he turned his back to the doors like a conductor turning his back on the crowd to address his orchestra, which was us. He surveyed the tightly packed cab and said loudly “how y’all doing tonight?” a few fun-goers muttered back. He then began to stagger and sing a little. He reeked of alcohol and marijuana. I whispered to her “no way he’s getting into this place”.

The elevator finally arrived at the top floor, I could hear the music thumping, the smell of the night, my heart raced. “Should I be here? Am I too old? She is way too good looking for me? Am I dressed okay? What if others think so too?” Anxious thoughts ran like wild horses, no way I could catch them now.

I took a deep breath and was ready to give myself one last inner pep talk… “you got this, don’t let her see you are anxious, or even worse scared… show toughness… fucking anxiety”.

The doors quickly opened and I said to myself… nothing, nothing because the drunk stoned all alone sloppy man turned to the entire contents of the elevator… us, and said “RIGHT, WE ARE HERE. NOW WALK IN LIKE YOU FUCKING OWN THE PLACE” he then walked in with perfect posture, a charming smile, a calmness, a smoothness, and a confidence that grabbed attention. Did he indeed own the place?

I couldn’t take my eyes off him as we headed to the bar. The sloppy singing drunk weaved gracefully through the joint like it was a playground, his playground. Fist bumps, hugs, drinks (free I think), it was his world, everyone and everything was an opportunity to and for him.

“A roof is a manmade thing”
– Matthew McConaughey (“Greenlights” by Matthew McConaughey, good read).

“You must stop creating your own limits in life.
But more importantly don’t you dare believe in the limits that others have created for you”
-scob

So… you want me to learn from a drunk at a nightclub? Yes, maybe.

Where did YOUR confidence go? You had it, but now you can’t find it, not even in the places you once found or felt it. Where is it? Because you know you fucking need it!

I’m not a psychologist but I find that confidence is a feeling, a feeling caused by your thoughts which then leads to an emotion. So, what are you feeling? Don’t answer that right now, we will get back to it.

Back to our friend the drunkard; it’s a mask, right? he is faking it, right? “fake it until you make it”, it was just Dutch courage with the alcohol, right? or was it utter belief in himself and his abilities, blinded to his flaws and his weaknesses? With him we may never know, but I do know that he was FEELING it, he was feeling great about himself, his attentions, and his abilities, and he created confidence. He did; not his clothes, his physique, or anything else external. He did.

We say “I have lost my confidence”, no you haven’t you have just stopped feeling it. The feelings that create confidence have been replaced by your mistakes, life slapping you in the face, regret, failure, fucking up, losses, over analyzing, comparing. That’s not to say don’t feel those things. I believe you should feel everything, every single thing you encounter but here is the key. Once you have felt it you have to decide to either shelf it or ruminate on it. It is so hard to shelf it sometimes, so fucking hard when it means something to you, thinking late at night “where did I go wrong, why did I do that, how can I change it…” Stop… please, give yourself that break, the rumination of those thoughts isn’t going to help. You feel that process works because that’s what you are so used to doing, but it doesn’t, it’s just a waste of time. Try letting them go, try something new. Think on them, put them in their place for good or for bad and let them go. Stop thinking please, just do it. You have the ability to do so, if you created the thoughts you can also stop them.

Okay, now you have space to create new thoughts, to feelings, to emotions. What are you feeling now? How about… I feel that I can do this, I feel worthy, I feel that I only need the validation of myself, I feel I have skills to offer, I make mistakes but I feel that I am resilient, and much more.

Challenge: I want you to think of three feelings that will help you start the process of feeling and then becoming confident again. If you have to fib a little to yourself to get started, do it. Afterall “You are here, now walk in like you fucking own the place”.

– scob